The events in Orlando have shaken me to my core. The largest mass shooting in American history targeted me and my kind. Fifty people celebrating who they are and who they love were cut down by a singular, hate-filled individual. Their corpses vibrated as loved ones tried to call and check on them, several hours after the massacre. And the rest of us looked on as we went about our every-day routines, some of us breaking down in bed this morning, then in public, as additional news, stories, thoughts, prayers, and bigotry rolled out from the epicenter of the coastal disaster.
As a human with access to social media will do, I drafted up and posted a hefty rant on Facebook.
"Y'all can keep America and your guns and your bigotry veiled in the name of 'morals;' . . . I'll just try to not look too gay, so as to avoid screaming Target moms of twelve, or, you know, getting shot (and I don't even have it that bad- imagine if I was a gay, non-white, female)."
Unable to keep still, I showered, dressed, then Snapped:
To those of you who, like the scum whose tweet I'm about to post here, believe that those killed deserved what was coming to them, I say this: You cannot tell me that, because I am attracted to and want nothing more than to love and devote my life to another man, I deserve to die. You cannot tell me that slaughter is the price I must pay for my "sin." In the last four months, I have loved someone more than the world and lost them, simply because it didn't work at that time. These last four months have gone by with a constant ache, with songs I can't listen to, and a quiet longing to have him back, even though I know it's not what's best for either of us right now. I dare you bigots to look me in my darkened, blue eyes and tell me that that kind of love was a sin. I dare you to tell me, the man who has taken, not just one, but two of his friends in and given them a home when their own parents failed to do them the justice of treating them like human beings- let alone their own children- that I deserve a bullet in the back, or between the eyes, because I have loved. One of these two friends I have fed for the last month, lent my car so he could go to job interviews, and offered a shaking shoulder to lean on when the weight of the awful turn his life had taken threatened to crush him- all the while trying to deal with both personal and professional stresses that threatened, via the catalyst of my anxiety and depression and sacrifice of personal space, to pull me under and smother me. I fucking dare you- upon learning the fact that the only confrontations I have ever been in with strangers involved me defending the mentally handicapped, or those who were being treated in an undeservedly cruel way- to kill me, because I'm gay. I make mistakes, and I own up to them. I've done things that make me sick, not because of loss on my end, but because they hurt, or could potentially hurt, others, and I hate that I've done those things. Genuinely caring for a man was never one of those mistakes. I, like most people on this earth, do my best to live my life for goodness. My wonderful mama made it clear to my siblings and I that compassion for everyone is the one trait she upholds above the rest, and that's a mantle I've gladly taken onto my own shoulders. It's been an excruciatingly heavy one as of late. If you have fallen or been pushed down, and I have the strength to do so, I will pull you up. Yes, even you, the piece of filth that hates me for something I cannot (and don't want to) change; I would help you up, only to have you put a bullet through my chest for being a homosexual.
Did you know, Jonathan, that those fifty, beautiful individuals who were assassinated in cold blood, were beloved by family, friends, and that same Maker/higher power/force which you claim brought judgement down up on them? No, you did not. You couldn't know these things and tweet what you did. There is no conflict of opinion here; you are wrong.
Finding beauty in the midst of adversity is an activity I wish and try to pursue avidly. Some days are more difficult than others- most days, lately. However, the knowledge that the darkest hour precedes the dawn is a truth I hold fast to. It's been glowing, dim and barely alive, in my mind these past few weeks. Today, however, it has caught fire. The inferno in my chest is fueled by anger and a desire for justice, and I'll do all in my power to cultivate its growth. I am passionate about facilitating happiness and a sense of safety for those around me, and my only real desire is that everyone knows this, and that everyone strives to do the same.
So, to every person of color who has felt threatened, diminished, or been dealt an unjust hand due to the beautiful, varying tones of your skin; to every gay, bi, trans, straight, or other individual soul which has been chilled and heartbroken by the events in Orlando; to every teenager who is considering taking your own, glorious life that's so full of promise and potential, because your parents and/or peers have heretofore failed to recognize your worth; to every Muslim, Jew, Christian, or other identified believer or non-believer who has been persecuted for those beliefs; to every human being who has been victimized, raped, bullied, neglected, or abused by a monster in human skin; and to anyone else who wonders if you're loved, or if there's someone watching over you, please, please know that my door and heart are open to you. You, you wondrous being, have a home with me. You are safe here- as long as you offer that same invitation to those who deserve it.
Now, to the bigots, the liars, the cheaters, the greedy, and those who are willfully ignorant and/or apathetic to the value of human life; to the pretty, white boys who rape and receive little to no justice for your actions because you're "fragile," and to those who administer that same "justice"; to those who deflect blame and incite contention; to those who abuse, belittle, or put themselves above others; and to those who continually perpetuate ignorance, hatred, and fear of ideas and people you don't understand- to you monsters- you will reap the evil you sow, and you very well know it.
Much Love,
Adam