Familial Honesty Disclaimer: Towards the end of this year I began to rid myself of social media/creative “outlets” which, after nearly a decade of constantly paring down and ousting content that I produced, appreciated, or found amusing, so as not to offend or- even worse- worry certain acquaintances and/or family members, became exhausting cyber-entrapments. One of the reasons I’ve not blogged much this year is because it was a difficult year, and I wasn’t in a super good place for most of it, and I didn’t wanna freak people out by putting up content that revealed the state I was in. As I’m finally getting to a better place, I’ve realized that I NEED an honest, unapologetic creative outlet. This blog was supposed to be about overcoming the difficulties of every-day life and finding adventure and happiness in doing so. Instead it’s mostly become a sugar-coated, mildly inspiring, fairly shallow, impressively half-assed lifestyle blog. As we all (should) know, though, peeps can’t appreciate what’s good if they don’t experience the opposite. From now on, this site will show both sides; it’ll still be my online travel journal, product review/obsession space where I ramble incessantly about music and proposed healthy eating plans, but it'll also be where I go to just get it out. Therefore, y’all who actually know me may read stuff you don’t necessarily want to. Certain, apropos, four-letter-words may be sprinkled throughout. You’re gonna hear about the hard stuff, and it might make you uncomfortable or … *shudders*... worried. But know this- I’m actually okay. I’m not breaking-down in spectacular, celebrity-esque fashion (let’s be real- I couldn’t afford coke even if I wanted it). I’m just 24, and figuring things out. SO! If you’re a concerned somebody who doesn’t wanna hear about tattoos, my boyfriend, occasional nights out on the town, or won’t approve of eff, ess, and bee words, then I won’t be offended if you stop reading. Furthermore, if you’re freaking out just reading this, give my mom a call- she knows EVERYTHING and can assure you that I’m alright, and in a much better place than I’ve been in a long, long time.
As we’re all very much aware, 2015 is done. I, like many of you, had a fairly long and ambitious “To-Do-This-Year” list. I’mma make a long story short and let you know right now that I didn’t complete nearly half the things on my list. I did not eat healthily. I did not get lean and toned- just thinner, but still soft. I did not start cosmetology school at Aveda. I didn’t get a dog and name it a normal person name. I did buy a car, and I named her Madison (after Madison Montgomery- Emma Roberts’ character in American Horror Story Coven- because I love to hate her. That bitch vehicle costs me $400 a month, but is incredibly convenient). I didn’t attend a music festival, nor T-Swift’s concert (which I'm outta my honeymoon phase with 1989 and ... meh). Studying photography never happened, and neither did a weekend trip to California. No competence in cloud storage or sewing was obtained. I did not get my “dream bedroom" together. None of those things that were completely attainable were attained, but you know what? I’m alright with it, because here’s what did happen:
I did reconnect with a few, long-lost, important persons, one of whom is easily my best friend. I’ve visited her and her beautiful, hilarious, amazing 19-month-old boy at least weekly since February. This wonderful, fiery, hilarious, mind-blowingly hard-working woman saved me this year. She bought me food when I had no way of buying any. She got me a job with an amazing company, providing me an escape from one of the most difficult and exhausting employers I’ve ever experienced. We've spent many nights laughing ‘til tears ran down our face, commiserating over dating catastrophes and embarrassments, and eating all manner of cheese, cream, grease or salsa-laden concoctions. There were a few nights of drunken nonsense, and plenty of window-down, EDM-blasting, late-night-coffee-sipping drives. I practically lived on her couch, as well as for the time spent with her and her son, who is my actual favorite person ever. Here's the tiniest glimpse of the hundreds of pictures and memories we've managed to squeeze in during the last eleven months:
(There is an effing fly that WON’T LEAVE ME ALONE. GTFO, dillhole.)
I did manage to go another year without buying a razor- more outta poverty and a lack of energy than anything- and stumbled upon the best hairstyle I’ve ever had. I consider these significant accomplishments.
(holding on for your call)
Climbing up the walls for that flashing light
(I can never let go)
'Cause I’m gonna be free and I’m gonna be fine
(holding on for your call)
'Cause I’m gonna be free and I’m gonna be fine
(maybe not tonight)
Now the sun is up and I’m going blind
(holding on for your call)
Another drink just to pass the time
(I can never say no)
'Cause I’m gonna be free and I’m gonna be fine
(holding on for your call)
'Cause I’m gonna be free and I’m gonna be fine
But maybe not tonight
Now I’m dancing with Delilah and her vision is mine
(holding on for your call!)
A different kind of danger in the daylight
(I can never let go!)
Take anything to cut you I can find
(holding on for your call)
A different kind of danger in the daylight
(can’t you let me know?)
Now it’s one more boy and it’s one more lie
(holding on for your call!)
Taking the pills just to pass the time
(I can never say no!)
'Cause I’m gonna be free and I’m gonna be fine
(holding on for your call)
'Cause I’m gonna be free and I’m gonna be fine!
But maybe not tonight!
It’s a different kind of danger
And the bells are ringing out
And I’m calling for my mother
As I pull the pillars down
It’s a different kind of danger
And my feet are spinning ‘round
Never knew I was a dancer
‘Til Delilah showed me how
Strung up, strung out
For your love
Hang in, hung up
It’s so rough!
I’m wrung and ringing out
Why can’t you let me know?
It’s a different kind of danger
And the bells are ringing out
And I’m calling for my mother
As I pull the pillars down
It’s a different kind of danger
And my feet are spinning ‘round
Never knew I was a dancer
‘Til Delilah showed me how
Too fast for freedom!
Sometimes it all falls down!
These chains never leave me
I keep dragging them around.”
-Delilah, Florence + the Machine
I made lots of mistakes this year, and realized that it’s possible to hurt others and myself purely by being selfish. Not by being mean or rude- that’s not me- but I was very self-involved and sought my own, immediate satisfaction in ways that confused and unsettled people that I told myself I cared about. It sucked and alienated potential good company. It opened my eyes, and I hated it; I’m determined to not fall into that again. Ever.
While certain music festivals and glittering pop concerts were missed, I did have the surprise opportunity to see Florence + the Machine in concert on October 13th. I didn’t find out until the morning of the show that I’d be able to go, and I accidentally bought two extra tickets- only one of which was claimed. The $120 lost was more than made up for by the experience I had, though. She opened with one of my very favorite songs, and her giant voice echoed through the outdoor venue while I sang along to every word of every track on the set list. There was a giant red sun, thudding drums and ethereal horns, and lots of twirling and thrashing akin to that which you’d expect to witness at an exorcism. My favorite moments, aside from the music and her almost-unbelievable, godlike vocalizations, were the times that a huge, joyful smile lit up Florence’s face, ear-to-ear, as she did exactly what it is she loved. She was happy- really, truly happy- and it was awesome to be a part of it. Making out in a grassy field to her booming music wasn’t too bad, either.
So, here I am- one year, a few lessons learned, earrings, tattoos, and salsa-stained sheets later, with a best friend who takes care of me, a significant other who drives me crazy, a fantastic new apartment awaiting my move-in, and having not completed nearly half of what I set out to do in the last 365 days, but nevertheless satisfied with all that was accomplished and overcome.
-Shake It Out, Florence + the Machine
Much Love,
Adam
“Hey, look up!
Don't make a shadow of yourself,
Always shutting out the light
Caught in your own creation
Look up, look up!
It tore you open
And oh, how much?
'Cause there's a hole where your heart lies
And I can see it with my third eye
And oh my touch, it magnifies
You pull away, you don't know why
That original lifeline
Original lifeline
Hey, look up!
You don't have to be a ghost, here amongst the living!
You are flesh and blood!
And you deserve to be loved and you deserve what you are given
And oh, how much?
'Cause there's a hole where your heart lies
And I can see it with my third eye
And oh my touch, it magnifies
You pull away, you don't know why!
That original lifeline
Original lifeline
'Cause your pain is a tribute
The only thing you let hold you!
Wear it now like a mantle
Always there to remind you!
But your pain is a tribute
The only thing you let hold you
Wear it now like a mantle
Always there to remind you
I am the same, I'm the same
I'm trying to change
I am the same, I'm the same
I'm trying to change
I am the same, I'm the same
I'm trying to change! "
-Third Eye, Florence + the Machine